Author Qwillia Rain returns to Books to Light Your Fire for a little chat about the misconceptions about BDSM. Feel free to leave your own comments and questions below!
*Looks at the list of subjects. Heavy sigh. Peers over the page, blinks* You want me to talk about misconceptions in BDSM in *gulp* less than 750 words? *mutters under my breath* Oh my, you are a brave soul. *Takes a deep breath, grabs a Dr Pepper, plops down in a comfy chair, and motions for readers to take a seat* I’ll try to keep this short, but I make no promises.
Disclaimer: While I don’t practice BDSM, I have done research, interviewed people in the Lifestyle, and attended a conference with BDSM related demonstrations.
Since the publication of my first novel, Santa’s Elf, six years ago, I’ve encountered quite a few misconceptions about BDSM during conversations with writers, readers, and editors. The top three conversational nuggets that grate on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard are:
BDSM is all about sex
Doms (always men) control everything, and subs (always women) are spineless doormats
BDSM novels appeal to a niche audience and have no place in the mainstream market
*Sets down my soda, drags over a soapbox and steps onto it* BDSM is a lifestyle. A choice. A philosophy predicated upon honest, open communication between partners. Expectations and consequences are established up front—clearly stated, discussed, and agreed upon—which establishes a foundation for a healthy BDSM relationship and grounds it in mutual respect and trust between partners. It allows safe exploration and experimentation that supports and celebrates the expression of one’s true nature.
In a nutshell:
BDSM is about total acceptance of one’s self and partner.
*Putting away my soapbox and returning to my chair* Now, about those conversational nuggets:
“BDSM is all about sex”
Honey, sex has nothing to do with BDSM and BDSM has nothing to do with sex. *Raising a hand to stop the deluge of comments* Hold on. Let me clarify. Married people have sex, right? But sex isn’t the reason people get married. In that same vein, there can be sex in a BDSM relationship, yet it isn’t the purpose of the relationship.
Takeaway point here:
BDSM is more mental than physical. It’s about trust, respect, and power exchange between equal partners.
“Doms (always men) control everything, and subs (always women) are spineless doormats.”
*Hand up* Raise your hand if a picture of some domineering asshat in a leather thong, swinging a riding crop and yelling, “Call-me-Master” just flashed through your mind. *passes out the brain bleach* First off, not all Dominants are men and not all submissives are women. There are even some—called switches, like Ben Murphy and Vance Justiss, my characters in Under Control—who like taking on both roles—Dominant and submissive—depending on their partner or the situation.
As for Doms having all the power—not true.
In BDSM, Power ≠ Control; Submission ≠ Subjugation; Dominance ≠ Domineering. (I have to admit this is my biggest pet peeve.) A Dominant doesn’t force the submissive to cede control over to him; she chooses to give him control. She also establishes the terms of the transfer, and the Dominant respects her decisions. A Dom can propose what will happen in a scene, the sub is the one with veto power. She can say no to the scene outright or use her safe word to end it.
For the uninitiated, in BDSM a safe word is a word you don’t say on a daily basis. Mike and Lyssa in Rite of First Claim used “dragon”. *Looking at the suspicious expressions* Think about it. How many times have you been, ahem, in the moment and chanting “no, no…” while in your head it’s “please, don’t stop”. You definitely don’t want the fun to end.
With a safe word a sub can chant “no” or “stop” until the cows come home and her Dom won’t stop. She pops off with “Sacagawea” or “platypus” it’s over. In short, a safe word = veto power.
Bottom line:
A submissive isn’t subjugated, and a Dom may be in control, but it’s conditional.
“BDSM novels only appeal to a niche audience and have no place in the mainstream market.”
This one is often delivered in an ‘I’m telling you this for your own good’ tone.
*Snort. Snicker. Cough* First—what the heck is a niche audience? I’m thinking they mean people who practice BDSM. Yeah, right. Wouldn’t all those readers of Fifty Shades like to know they’re a niche audience. Regardless of whether someone did or didn’t like the trilogy, I recognize that it tapped into readers’—male and female—primal and instinctive craving to relinquish control. Yet, in my humble opinion, what Fifty Shades missed is:
BDSM relationships are built on mutual trust and respect between partners.
Now that I’ve said my piece, I would love to hear from readers. What questions do you have about BDSM? What appeals to you? What don’t you like?
DIABLO BLANCO CLUB
By
Qwillia Rain
BLURBS:
Publisher: Downtime Press
ISBN: 978-1-939171-00-9
Genre: BDSM Erotic Contemporary
Length: Novel
Cover Artist: Lindsay Breen
Price: $4.99
Eight years of waiting hadn't effected Dominant Bryce Halsey the way the last seven days had tested his control. Matie Lawrence, his perfect submissive, stood before him unaware of her potential, ready to be tutored in the lifestyle.
Battles will be won and lost between them, but the war for a Dominant's heart is a war Mattie is determined to win.
Publisher's Note: This book contains explicit sexual content, graphic language, and situations that some readers may find objectionable: Anal sex, bondage, domination/submission, toy play.
Excerpt :
A master controls no one if he cannot control himself. The saying floated through Bryce’s mind in the interval following Rick’s comment. He split his attention between Rick’s grumblings and the couple across the room while he consumed the delicious prime rib dinner before him. He was working on an after-dinner coffee the waiter had poured when he spotted the first touch.
It had been subtle, just the slide of Victor’s hand over hers, but Lawrence’s body stiffened, and she eased away from the man the tiniest bit. Hackles rising, Bryce leaned back in the booth, his focus on the pair across the room. “Well, what have you heard about him?”
“He’s the perfect gentleman until he feels it’s time he doesn’t have to be anymore.”
Rick cursed beneath his breath as Victor tried to stroke his hand down his date’s arm.
Again she stiffened and moved away, her chair lurching slightly as she nudged it farther right.
“You’re not going to do anything about this?” Rick met his gaze. His gray eyes were disbelieving, almost accusatory.
“Why should I?”
“You’ve spent the last eight years waiting, Bryce. Are you going to let another man take what you’ve been preparing?” He shook his head and scraped his fingers through his neatly styled brown hair. “Hell, I haven’t been able to figure out why you just didn’t claim her when she first showed up.”
“She wasn’t ready.” The tension in his neck eased as Bryce recalled the anger and defiance dancing in Lawrence’s brown gaze. In many ways, she’d been wise beyond her twenty-two years, but in the most important ones, she’d been far too young for what he wanted.
Publisher: Downtime Press
ISBN: 978-1-939171-01-6
Genre: BDSM LGBT Erotic Contemporary
Length: Novella
Cover Artist: Q. Williams
Price: $3.99
Vance was used to facing death and confronting terrorists in war, but when it comes to confessing his act of betrayal to the man he loves, Vance finds it impossible to keep his feelings Under Control.
Publisher's Note: This book contains explicit sexual content, graphic language, and situations that some readers may find objectionable: Anal sex, bondage, domination/submission, toy play.
Publisher: Downtime Press
ISBN: 978-1-939171-02-3
Genre: BDSM Erotic Contemporary
Length: Novel
Cover Artist: Q. Williams
Price: $5.99
What's a Dom to do when the submissive he wants runs from the feelings between them?
From the moment he met Lyssa Lawrence, Mike Halsey knew what he felt was love -- not lust. Convincing her has been an uphill battle even after the two steamy hours they'd shared at the Diablo Blanco Club four years earlier.
Lyssa Lawrence wished the man who claimed to love her wasn't so damned appealing. Eight years of denying the pull of her submissive nature almost went up in smoke four years ago, but she'd gathered the nerve to tell him 'no' when he asked for more. She'd have stayed away for good if her biological clock hadn't hiccuped, threatening her dreams of motherhood.
In the same way she'd strategized her success in fashion design, Lyssa worked out a plan to get the baby she wanted. The Diablo Blanco Club's annual Midnight Masquerade would provide a number of potential donors to choose from. What she hadn't bargained on was Mike's interference through an arcane Club rule.
When Mike invoked Rite of First Claim, Lyssa finally became his. Now, he has one month to prove that the role of his submissive was one she was born to play.
Publisher's Note: This book contains explicit sexual content, graphic language, and situations that some readers may find objectionable: BDSM theme and elements.
Publisher: Downtime Press
ISBN: 978-1-939171-04-7
Genre: BDSM Erotic Contemporary
Length: Novel
Cover Artist: Lindsay Breen
Price: $4.99
After four years of unrequited love, and steamy fantasies, Elfina "Elf" Jeffries has just about given up on gaining her boss's attention. How was any self-respecting woman supposed to seduce a man who was oblivious to her cues? Then the first gift arrived...
Every Santa needs an Elf, and Dayton Kringle is no exception. His offer for a temporary affair, just long enough to get from Christmas Eve to New Year's, will satisfy a four-year craving.
His is a simple design:
One beautiful Elf
Twelve sexy gifts
A little spanking
Some light bondage
And ten days of no-strings sex
make one very satisfied Santa. But when the ten days are up, will he be able to give up the Elf of his wildest Dominant dreams?
Publisher's Note: This book contains explicit sexual content, graphic language, and situations that some readers may find objectionable: Anal sex, bondage, domination/submission, toy play.
AUTHOR INFORMATION:
Born in California but raised in Las Vegas, Nevada, Qwillia Rain embraces fully the independent spirit of the West she grew up in, even if she currently resides in North Carolina.
Qwillia has worked at a diverse mix of jobs including casino change person, bill collector, book store and video store clerk, and computer teacher to Kindergarten through 8th graders, but writing has always been part of her life.
In 2007 her first book (recently revised and self-published) Santa's Elf, was published, opening a whole new world where she can play with her characters and get paid for it.
Links:
Website: www.authorqwilliarain.com
Facebook:
Fan Page: Twitter: @Qwillia
Blog: http://authorqwilliarain.blogspot.com
Qwillia will be awarding a grand prize of a messenger bag, pens, post-it notes, and a key-chain wallet (No geographical restrictions) as well as three Amazon gift cards: $20, $10 and $5 to randomly drawn commenters during the tour. Follow the tour for more chances to win!
Thank you for hosting.
ReplyDeleteThis post actually really helped me understand BDSM....could have maybe used that before I tried reading 50 Shades of Grey...but still very helpful!
ReplyDeleteandralynn7 AT gmail DOT com
Good to hear it helped Andra Lyn. I find BDSM a fascinating world and I have to admit, the people in the lifestyle that I've met are so accepting of who a person is not what he or she looks like. It's very refreshing to the image the media portrays of it and what people are supposed to "be".
DeleteQ
Thank you for having me here today, Andrea.
ReplyDeleteI'm not into BDSM and doubt I ever will be, but I have to say, you have answered a lot of questions I didn't know I needed answers to. See what you can learn reading books and author interviews?
ReplyDeletekareninnc at gmail dot com
LOL, thanks Karen. I'd have to ask, have you ever read a BDSM novel? Or what is it about BDSM that makes you think you won't like it? Just curious...I swear I won't try to convert you.
ReplyDeleteQ
My biggest problem is with how most BDSM stories are written. A lot of them do give the impression that a Dom has all the power and the sub none. And for the average person, the concept of what they perceive as humiliation and subjugation at the hands of the Dom is more than they can understand. I just finished a BDSM story where the focus was the building of the menage relationship between the Dom and his two brats. And it was a beautiful LOVE story.
ReplyDeleteThat's what always surprises people when I talk to them about BDSM--I've actually had them get stunned looks on their faces when they realized the level of trust and respect both the Dom and the sub have for one another in order to commit to their relationship. Glad my post resonated with you, Laurie.
DeleteQ
I think the biggest thing to me is how Doms are written, that they seem to have total control and the sub has none. And to the average reader who sees nothing but humiliation and subjugation of the sub, this is hard for them to understand. And I will admit that humiliation of a sub is something I read and am not always comfortable with. I find very few stories that deal with the romance and not just the sex aspects of BDSM. So it may be a case of some writers not writing a complete romance story and just an erotica tale, where the reader is looking for the romance. But then we get into the whole discussion of erotic romance versus erotica.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, Laurie, humiliation play has always been something of a quandary for me, but I also recognize there are some submissives who actually find pleasure in humiliation...and only when that humiliation comes at the hand of someone they trust and respect, someone who only uses humiliation in order to meet the needs of the submissive. If a stranger or someone they don't have a relationship with were to try the same action/behavior, it would be a fight to the end. It's a hard concept to wrap your head around, but a fascinating one as well.
DeleteAnd I agree, it is very difficult to find authors who can establish the trust and respect and love between the characters while exploring the varied aspects of BDSM.
Q
As much as I completely agree with your post and appreciate how much you understand the lifestyle, not all books/authors are as comprehensive as you are, and I think that's where a lot of problems lie. Most BDSM situations in books focus so much on the domineering alpha male that you can't notice the trust and love that goes into a BDSM relationship. I think a lot of authors should read your post. It would do the BDSM lifestyle some good.
ReplyDeletejustforswag(AT)yahoo(DOT)com
Thank you, Chelsea, I am honored you see me that way. I've run across a few books where the Dominant comes across more as domineering than dominant to me, and I have to bite my tongue and keep my hands off the cast-iron skillets. I try not to do that with my characters, but every once in a while they do slip. Fortunately, their women are quick to put them back on the straight and narrow...that's why I enjoy the BDSM genre...both the Dom and the sub are strong and independent and unafraid to fight for what they want.
DeleteQ
Interesting info
ReplyDeletebn100candg at hotmail dot com
Good luck, bn100
DeleteQ
Sounds like a great series!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the chance to win!
natasha_donohoo_8 at hotmail dot com
Good luck Natasha.
DeleteQ
Thanks for sharing the excerpt and the giveaway. Sounds like a hot read. evamillien at gmail dot com
ReplyDeleteGood luck Eva,
DeleteQ
As a BDSM author and practitioner, let me just say that this is a subject I could talk about all day. There's so much misinformation out there about the Scene that it's nice to see someone well informed putting some truth out there. I know you had a word limit and therefore had to grossly oversimplify, but I'd just like to add a few thoughts to your points above if I may: First, anyone who thinks it's the Dom that calls the shots has been reading the wrong BDSM fiction. I would argue that the Dom is actually less in control of the overall scope of the relationship in your average BDSM arrangement because whatever control they exert over a sub is first limited to the scene, second limited to the control the sub allows, and third limited by the subs needs. True, the Dom will have needs they address in the scene, but a caring Dom won't do it by pushing past their sub's limits.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, the idea that BDSM is all about sex is laughable. I like your comparison to marriage there. A BDSM arrangement is just another type of relationship dynamic that some people find more satisfying than other dynamics. The book I'm releasing in Dec features two characters who've been in a BDSM relationship that didn't include any sexual activity for almost a year. Of course, the relationship eventually evolves to include that because it's a romance novel, but in real life, there are plenty of BDSM arrangements that never include sex. But that's because BDSM is not about the physical manifestations at all, it's all about the headspace both partners fall into. One of the most powerful BDSM scenes I've ever read featured nothing but spilled coffee and a toothbrush and yet the tension between the Dom and sub, the trust and the willing submission was so beautiful and so palpable it will forever stay with me.
And lastly, BDSM is a niche market in the way that historical romances are a niche market, it's genre fiction and the marketability and appeal of it is the same with any other. Sure, there will always be readers that just don't get into it, or the poor souls who pick up a terrible BDSM novel in their first foray into the genre and are put off of it forever, but for the most part the average reader will treat it just like any other genre, reading some books, passing on others but evaluating most on a case by case or author by author basis. I think having information like this helps though, the more BDSM myths that are busted in frank, honest discussion, the more people will decide to give BDSM fiction a shot.
Thanks for a great post. :D
Thank you A.E., it's very validating for me to have a fellow author of the genre understand the same frustrations I have. I could have gone on for hours if the word count limit didn't have to be imposed, but I really do think more people would enjoy BDSM fiction if they knew the myths out there were simply that...myths.
DeleteGood luck on your release in December.
Q
Qwillia, I'm amazed at how much information you packed into this small space. Succinct and right on target. I'm going to pass this link on to readers--thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Cherise, I consider it an honor that you've passed my post along, I try hard to do justice to the BDSM genre.
DeleteQ
Loved the article. Also, loved the link to your books. Found one that I didn't have "Diablo Blanco Club: Under Control" and know I need to go buy it. I don't know how I have missed this one.
ReplyDeleteThank you Diana, I'm glad you enjoy my books and I hope you like Under Control (it was my first m/m romance).
DeleteQ
Thanks for the great article. I'm glad good info is available to show people about the misconceptions out there.
ReplyDeletePs. Love your stories.
Thank you Stacy. I try to pass as much knowledge on as possible, if not in person then through my books. And I'm glad you like my stories.
DeleteQ
I am in a BDSM relationship and I thank you for your short clear descriptions! So many misconceptions out there. I love BDSM romance PB's and even 50 shades...even though it is not quite accurate. Thanks to you and the many authors that write BDSM romances and take the time to understand what it is all about and portray that in their writing
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lynne H for posting today. It's very heart-warming to know that I'm getting things right and you're right, there are a lot of misconceptions out there, and I try not to perpetuate any of them in my stories.
DeleteQ
Thanks for the post I really enjoyed reading it..I love reading a good BDSM series sometimes I think I'm a submissive at heart and might would dabble if I were younger...hehe But to me what makes a good BDSM series is for the author to know what there talking about either from experience or doing your homework. Ive read some that just didn't jive for me but I have two authors that I really love there work. You know... I think a lot of BDSM couples have a better relationship more open and I know there open about what they want from one another more so than most married couples. How many married couples open up like that to one another...Not alot Im bet to embarrassed to talk about it ...anyway I cant wait to read your series. Im always looking for new authors to read.
ReplyDeleteJerri, age is just a number. If you find or have someone you trust, respect and love and you're both interested, don't be afraid to explore no matter what your ages. As Dawn Flemington says, the community is open to answering any questions you may have.
DeleteI'm glad you enjoyed my post and feel free to let me know what you think of my stories.
Q
Love this post Qwillia, and you are absolutely correct. The misconceptions in the genre are huge and I've read my share of horrendous BSDM novels, and some really outstanding ones too. But, with all books there are good and bad.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Madeline, and you're right with every genre there are good and bad, and it's the readers who determine what they like and don't like. For me, it's all about trust, respect, and love in my stories and I try very hard to get the philosophies of BDSM right.
DeleteQ
I just happened upon this blog post as a result of a FB posting from Cherise Sinclair and I am so glad I decided to see what it was all about. From reading all of your interviews and excerpts and the blurbs from your books, I have to say that I find you pretty amazing. I'm sad that it's taken me this long to discover you but I'm positive that you will be among the top of my favorite authors. :D
ReplyDeletePlease continue to spread the true message of BDSM! It's not all about torture and humiliation. ;)
Melissa dot M dot Byrnes at gmail dot com
Isn't Cherise Sinclair great!? I appreciate you stopping by and I'm glad I didn't disappoint. As for spreading the true message of BDSM, I intend to. My friend often warns people to be ready for a long discussion on the subject if they ask me about it because you might say it's my passion.
DeleteQ
There appear to be a lot of misconceptions in your genre, just as in the paranormal genre in which I write. I had an editing professional tell me I couldn't have "good" vampires in my stories because it violated the genre and that he'd never heard of two vampires having sex (Bram Stoker must have been his last vampire author). I'm happy that you are dispelling myths about BDSM as I'm trying to show that not all vampires are evil. For example mine get blood from funeral homes they own.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I think you could safely say there are misconceptions in every genre. Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteQ
GOOD LUCK WITH THE BOOKS AND THANKS FOR THE GIVEAWAY! SHELLEY S, calicolady60@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteThank you, Shelley S., Good luck on the give away.
DeleteQ
Very well said and I can't wait to read your stories. Trinity
ReplyDeleteThank you Trinity. I hope you enjoy the stories.
DeleteQ
From someone in the lifestyle and has read that 50 Shades of Crap I would like to say thank you. I'm a female switch who submits to her husband. Thank you thank you thank you for clearing up some of the differences. My biggest pet peeve is simply that 50 Shades of Crap has become the go to book about BDSM. It's an emotionally abusive relationship that they say is BDSM. *sigh* Sorry. No soap-boxing for me. Promise not to rant. So thank you and every other author out there that writes BDSM erotica/romance novels that don't have that!
ReplyDeleteAhh niche market. Isn't everything a niche market? Computer books are for people who know about computers. Computers for dummies are for people who want to know about computers. I could keep going and going. Everything is a niche. But compelling story-telling in fiction is a niche that a vast majority of people have. Romance is a niche that a vast majority of people have. BDSM shouldn't be a sub-genre so much as well a little extra perk in the sex/romance department. It's NOT the book, it's an aspect of a relationship in the book. *looks around* Will someone please hide this soapbox for me. :D
All in all, thank you for this post! It makes my little switchy heart happy to know that people who write in this "sub-genre" do in fact understand us!
Kristi, you're welcome and don't worry about the soapbox, I think I carry a collapsible one around just so I can pull it out and jump up on it every once in a while. I'm glad my post "spoke" to you. And I do agree that it's sad that 50 Shades is considered the 'go-to' book when there are so many out there that better reflect and show BDSM the respect it deserves.
DeleteQ
As a Mistress who is extremely active in my BDSM community, this piece was well done. I wish more authors would do their research... after all, FetLife.com isn't that hard to navigate and once you say you are an author doing research, folks on there are pretty open to educate, to keep the misconceptions down...
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more about doing research and I'm glad you liked my post. It's very validating to know so many people get where I'm coming from when I discuss this subject.
DeleteQ
Great post. Short and to the point. I am a big fan of this genre and find that there are only so many authors who get it right. There are so many authors that have jumped on the bandwagon without researching and totally miss the mark.So many readers take those awful books as the truth and so many misconceptions are out there because of that. I am glad you took the time to help clear some things up. I love this series and cannot wait for more.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gabrielle. I enjoy the genre and feel disappointed when I run across stories that obviously were not researched--and it only makes those of us who do the research look bad.
DeleteQ
Thank you thank you thank you for this. Well said.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Jennifer. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.
DeleteQ
As a writer who does practice BDSM, I appreciate that your passion for clearing up the misconceptions. You've done us all a favor, Qwillia. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate you writing about switches. My experience writing about them is that they aren't the easiest sell to readers, but as a switch myself, I get a bit tired of everyone being in one category or the other in books. So bravo!
Thank you, Sindra, I'm glad my post resonated with you. I do feel authors have a responsibility to know what they're talking about if they're going to write BDSM. As for writing about switches, I find the concept fascinating--the idea that a person can be both depending on the person they're with...I love Ben and Vance and the way they trade off on who gets to be in charge, and it has the plot bunnies bouncing.
DeleteQ
Great post Q, I enjoy the absolute trust and the sense of responsibility that is detailed in well-written BDSM stories like yours. Yes, the sizzling scenes are fun as well but I like the fact that each partner cherishes the other (which is what has turned me off of some stories that I have read by other authors...I don't see that inflicting wounds that will scar either mentally or physically is sexy at all). Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you Elf for stopping by. I think no matter what a couple's kink, as long as the relationship is based on trust, respect, and love, it can be very fulfilling.
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