BDSM Misconceptions and Shades of Black
A lot of people have HORRENDOUS misconceptions when it comes to BDSM. I'll admit it here and now that before I got into the actual lifestyle of it, I did, too. I'm going to discuss three things that didn't match up to what I expected to find. And this is only the tip of the iceberg.
Porn. Let's just start with that one. I'd watched BDSM porn before, so I figured I knew what to expect when it came to the lifestyle. I was very WRONG!
The actual lifestyle is so different. It's softer in ways I can't really explain (more connected / deeper level of trust) and then it can be harsher as well. I see this is a direct link to the emotional connection achieved between two consenting adults participating in any kind of D/s or M/s relationship. D/s meaning Dominant and submissive, and M/s meaning Master and slave.
These are very intense relationships with a foundation of power exchange. It's about a MILLION times more intense than what you're thinking it is and seeing it in person is beautiful and amazing and sexy.
Private = standoffish
NOT THE CASE!! Everyone I've come across has been open to my questions (for writing and for my personal kink journey) and they ve shared their knowledge with me, books, other resources, and contact info for someone else if they didn't know the answer to my questions.
This lifestyle in general is very private, though. We surround ourselves with like-minded people who share our interests and predilections. Most people have very strict vanilla lives and pictures of themselves being tied up, or suspended, or on their knees isn't something they want spread around. Protecting yourself isn't rude, it's being smart!
BDSM = Abuse
BDSM is by definition the OPPOSITE of abuse. BDSM is the practice of some very dangerous things which can get very rough but the thing that separates any of this from abuse is consent. During a power exchange, a scene, or even aftercare there is always consent. The people are of sound mind, know what they are consenting to, and are informed / aware of the risks.
Now, I'm going to add my two cents on Shades of Grey. The book itself has been very helpful to the BDSM erotic genre. With that series it became the norm to see anyone reading them. It didn't have to be tossed under the table and hidden in shame. The lifestyle was actually something appealing to the massive literary audience it reached. For that I will FOREVER be thankful for it.
Two things I don't like about it. First, and most importantly, the entire series is about FIXING Grey because he's a Sadist. I don't believe he has anything to apologize for. He's a Sadist because that's how he was born/evolved. There's nothing wrong with him and he didn't need to be fixed any more than a submissive needs medication or a padded room.
Secondarily - the title itself talks about different shades of a certain color. A friend of mine told me the other day, if there are 50 shades of any color in this lifestyle, it would be black. Different levels of pain, suspensions, toys, punishments, etc.
Mmmm...definitely my kind of gradient...
Haleigh’s Ink
by Jennifer Kacey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BLURB:
Members Only, Book Two
Ink.
A three-lettered word that means different things to many people. Pictures and words that might stand as a reminder of love, loss, rebellion, or camaraderie. For Haleigh Grace, it meant freedom.
Walking through the doors of the tattoo parlor, Inkfluence, marked the start of taking her life back. Making it what she wanted it to be. No one was going to tell her she couldn’t. Not ever again.
Little did she know that behind those doors stood Kyle Muse. He was her best friend, who had walked away years ago without a backwards glance. The one man she fantasized would someday be her knight in shining armor. The one she saved herself for.
But, he has a knight of his own. Tall, dark, and dangerously sexy, Scott Preston. The owner of the very shop Haleigh has an appointment with at midnight.
Feelings long buried rise to the surface and the three find themselves bound by more than just ink…
A Romantica® ménage BDSM erotic romance from Ellora’s Cave
Read an excerpt:
“You are the one who called a couple hours ago, right? All your questions concerned color tattoos from photographs?”
She knew he held back laughter but she remained quiet. It took all her willpower to maintain the mask of tranquility bred into her from birth. She glared at the pictures on the wall and took another sip of water, trying to get her temper under control. All she wanted to do was bark at him. She didn’t lose her temper—ever—and this man had already forced her to raise her voice. And less than an hour ago she had poked him.
What was next? Hollering in the street? A bar fight? Good gracious.
“Yes, that was me.”
“Then why are we discussing your nipples?”
She jacked her head to the side so fast the room spun, and her mouth fell open, making a little “o”. She actually had to fight a smile. He was flirting with her. He had moved closer still and she could see he had the tiniest of creases fanning out from his eyes as he smiled at her.
“Do you have no shame? Sitting there, talking so boldly in relation to my…my…” She gestured toward her breasts, unable to name the tight tips while he focused on them.
“Nipples,” he offered unapologetically. “The term you are searching for is nipples, and no, I don’t have an ounce of shame on me today. Must be fresh out. So why the third degree on tattoos and now all the chitchat about getting pierced?”
She didn’t answer right away. He raised his eyebrow expectantly. Explaining to him wasn’t something she particularly wanted to do, but she gazed up into his dark, amber-colored gaze and felt compelled to tell him the truth. Common sense took a rain check to a need deep inside her. Her parents always called her a people pleaser. It was a source of pride for them. She hadn’t admitted it before but it made her feel like a doormat.
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Jennifer Kacey is a wife, mother, and business owner living with her family in Texas. She sings in the shower, plays piano in her dreams, and has to have a different color of nail polish every week. The best advice she’s ever been given? Find the real you and never settle for anything less.
Website - http://www.jenniferkacey.com/
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/jennifer.kacey.7
Twitter - https://twitter.com/JenniferKacey
Goodreads – http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6941549.Jennifer_Kacey
Pinterest - http://pinterest.com/jenniferkacey/
Jennifer will be awarding a swag pack from her and lots of other EC authors to one randomly drawn commenter during the tour, and another prize will be awarded to one randomly drawn commenter of a swag pack from the author and an autographed copy of the Romanticon 2013 Program which includes 78 author signatures and signatures from all 8 cavemen that attended. (US ONLY) Follow the tour for more chances to win!
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Hmm, a very interesting post on the misconceptions of BDSM. I found your insight on BDSM and porn to be particularly interesting and based on my experience right on target, There is an underlying softness and emotional connection to a real life BDSM scene that's lacking in porn. Actually, I have to agree with all three of your observations.
ReplyDeleteYou also hit the nail on the head in terms of 50 Shades. All writers of any form of erotic fiction owe Ms. James a debt of gratitude.
Oh, and I LOVE the cover and the excerpt of 'Haleigh’s Ink'.
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK AND THANKS FOR THE GIVEAWAY! SHELLEY S. calicolady60@hotmail.com
ReplyDelete